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A personality, fully interactive

jhu9702

Runs 10K at a 6-minute pace, fears the sorbitol, strikes an electronic wooden fish at the Big Other, defends useless science, and narrates Go like a deposed prince. Six toys below. All of them work. 卧槽 - go tap things.

6:00
min/km, Dashushan
∞
merit, theoretically
0 元
to unlock the ribs
01Stomach Thermal Runaway Predictor

Will the battery vent before jhu9702 does?

A tongue-in-cheek dashboard pitting a lithium cell's thermal runaway against the documented effects of one man, one bottle of prune juice, and an unwise amount of sorbitol.

Live forecast - colon vs. cell

Drag the dials. We model two competing exotherms: a lithium cell, and the documented consequences of jhu9702 finding the sorbitol.

jhu9702 gastric core temp18650 lithium cell80% runaway threshold
Sugar-free gum, mints, 'diet' candy
The U100 ritual beverage
Gut runaway in3.3 h
Cell vents in6.2 h

卧槽 - Your gut reaches thermal runaway BEFORE the battery does. Schedule a meeting near a bathroom.

02Lacanian Electronic Wooden Fish · 电子木鱼

Strike the fish, accumulate merit, meet the Big Other

A merit clicker for the anxious modern subject. Every tap banks 功德 and returns a verdict on Das Unheimliche. Atmospheric. Faintly cursed. Saved to your device.

电子木鱼 · merit terminal

Tap to strike. Merit is saved to this device, like a sin.

Karmic merit (功德)0
Pre-symbolic

Strike the fish. Accumulate merit. Confront the Big Other. Standard Tuesday.

Each strike consults the Big Other and returns a verdict on Das Unheimliche. The verdict is non-binding. So is everything.

03Rabel Dept · Rosela Hysteria Simulator

Defend the gloriously useless against the budget axe

You are the Rabel Dept liaison at Star Torch Academy. The New Federation wants 'pragmatic' research. You want to protect the studies that produce nothing but truth. Choose wisely.

Rabel Dept · branch 1Star Torch Academy
The New Federation auditor arrives at Star Torch Academy with a clipboard and a smile that has never once been useful. 'Department of Rabel,' she says, 'I see a grant for studying why Rosela develops hysteria when she loses at Go. Justify it. Pragmatically.'
04Prince Duan Weiqi Commentator

Wild, aristocratic, accountability-free Go commentary

A mock commentary engine channeling Prince Duan: theatrically overconfident, treats the goban as a personal empire, and has never once admitted a mistake. Summon a verdict.

Live booth · Go championship

A mock commentary engine. No actual Go knowledge was harmed. The Prince has plenty of opinions and zero accountability.

Prince Duan adjusts his robes, clears his throat, and waits for a move worthy of comment. Press the button. Do not keep a Prince waiting.
05Concept Stir-fry Chef

Pancake shreds plus cabbage equals a whole philosophy

A modular concept-cooking machine. Combine humble ingredients into a plated 'Concept Stir-Fry' card, complete with a pretentious thesis. Unlock 糖醋排骨 for free, because charging would be rude.

Concept kitchen · pick up to 4
Unlock 糖醋排骨 (Sweet and Sour Pork Ribs)The one ingredient that isn't a coping mechanism. Free, because charging you would be cruel.
2/4 selected
06Hefei Dashushan 10K Badge

Holds a 6-minute pace and absolutely wants you to know

The one stat on this page with no irony attached. Ten kilometers up Dashushan at a clean 6:00/km. Earned, framed, slightly smug.

Hefei · Dashushan loop

Holds a steady 6:00 per kilometer up Dashushan, then claims the endorphins are 'for the gut microbiome.' 卧槽, the man runs.

Verified run badgeDashushan 10K · sub-hour
10km · Distance
6:00/km · Pace
284m · Elevation
6:00/km for 10 km = 60:00 flat. Tidy. Smug. Earned.